It's all but a grain of sand.

Ok, I've gotta be honest here. I'm feeling the baby hunger set it.
I just saw someone talk about how they aren't enjoying the jabs and kicks from their little bun in the oven, and it brought me back to those moments where I missed that after she was born.

For any of you who are reading, let me tell you a little bit about myself.
I met this cute boy at age 18. We dated for 3 weeks, and decided to get married.
Three months later and at the ripe age of 19 I was married.
Three weeks later, I was pregnant.

I cried. and cried. and cried.
I. did. not. want. to. be. pregnant.

My pregnancy was one of the biggest trials of my life.

I had always feared that if I had a baby too young, that I wouldnt be able to love that child as much as I could, because I was so emotionally immature.

It wasn't until I was about 7 months pregnant that I found the joy.
This bond began to form with this daughter I was creating, and I couldn't help but love her.
Every movement, wether extremely painful or unbelievably perfect, I loved.
It was like she was communicating with me. We had a routine.

I would lay in bed at night, and Devin would rub oil on my belly, helping me cope with the thought of stretch marks, and she would let us know she was there.
No matter how many times I saw her move from one side of my stomach to the other, the fascination never faded. I was absolutely enthralled by her.

Then when she was born, and I cried. and cried. and cried.
I could not believe that I didn't want her.

Pregnancy is such a magical thing, and although is comes with a lot of discomfort, I am getting really excited to do it all again.

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9 comments:

Natalie said...

Wow Mills this is so honest and heartfelt I love this and could just feel your amazingness in reading it. You are such a wonderful mommy. I loved our Nat-Mill-Kemy playday. She is just a doll. And we've had lots of talks about preggo-see and babies..and you're just awesome! I love you and can't wait for preggo-mills take two!

Hailey Frentheway said...

she is so cute! just like you!!

Sara said...

So, it's fascinating to be pregnant? I imagine it would be, but it's hard to imagine because I've never been. To grow another human inside you. Wow. That's so wild to me that you're craving that -- so interesting.

To be honest, the whole idea of motherhood scares me. Pregnancy, yes, but more then raising-another-human part is what seems petrifying. Most of the time, I feel like my own life is all I can handle -- I'm proud of that and my marriage and can't really understand how I'm supposed to fit in a baby. But you do it. And now you want another. Amazing.

Adria said...

that picture is so adorable! you are such a good mom, mill! motherhood comes with it's trials BUT the good days always out weigh the bad ones:) there is something so magical about being pregnant and creating a little being! i can only imagine how beautiful baby #2 will be:)

Bud & Kim said...

I can't wait until I actually start feeling that bond. Being pregnant is so surreal the first time. I mean I know I'm pregnant but mostly I just feel like I'm getting fat and once a month I get to see a picture of what is growing inside. I'm sure that will all change as I start to feel the baby move. It's hard to believe that I am almost half way. This has definitely been a journey and I definitely have days when I'm not sure that I'm ready and I'm almost 32! But I can't wait to see what this baby looks like.

bruce ♥ chanteal said...

I know exactly what you mean!! I hate when people complain about their pregnancy... They are soooo lucky! Your daughter is adorable, and I'm sure #2 will be just as cute :)

Love Cami. said...

i loved this post. and i love that face.

Thatcher family said...

Hi Millie! I loved this post! I soo miss being preg. It's amazing what these little beings, angels, can teach us and help us to grow so much, huh? I am constantly amazed how much I've changed from where I was before my little ones were born. Continue enjoying your beautiful transformation! :)

Susan said...

This is so honest. I loved reading it. I also love that you decided to get married three weeks after you started dating. Awesome.

I have a hard time getting pregnant. We tried for 2 years to get our son. Now here we are, 2 1/2 years later, and we haven't stopped trying for a second baby. But, even though it hurts to feel like we may not ever have another child, I know that I have to go through this for a reason, and it comforts me to know that maybe I can be of comfort to others going through things like me.

So, my point of this long comment is that, I love your honesty. There are plenty of people who struggle with the same things as you, and I think it's wonderful that you are sharing your own experiences. You probably help more than you know.